If I suffer for you, will you love me?
by stonykitten
Summary: Squalo's devotiona: a case study. When hiar problems occur certain realiztions come forwrd. T for language XS, Xanxus x Squalo


**Warning:** Language, mentions of boys love, might be some OOC-ness

**Pairing**: XS (Xanxus x Squalo)

**Disclaimer:** Have you seen my fan art? Yes? Hey, don't laugh there is a reason why Amano owns KHR and not I

**Author's useless attempts to justify herself**: Psychology students are evil Q_q. I blame them for filling my mind with their crap… I just had to go and write an analysis of my most fave semexseme pairing and the sad point it didn't turn to crack O_o. It's actually rather complex peace of writing that sort of made Squalo look like he is having a period .. ANYWAYS!

Hope you don't get bored n-n.

Last note: Does anybody else has an urge to put Squalo in a video with 'Yaws' theme song? (hehe I love cheese )

UPDATE: was to fix spelling mistakes X_x

We are all, every one of us, full of horror. If you are getting married to make yours go away, you will only succeed in marrying your horror to someone else's horror; your two horrors will have the marriage, you will bleed and call it love.

-Michael Ventura _Shadow Dancing in the Marriage Zone_

Arguments. We all have those – with our lovers, friends, enemies or a pickle jar that refuses to open. Every single ending to a conflict stands as unique occurrence in one's life. Some end with make-up sex, others with phone lines going dead and then are those that end with explosions. They are a natural way of bonding, socializing, between some people it's a rather common way of expressing affection.

Words. They make up the arguments. Such simple arrangements of letters make us go through a whirlpool of emotions- they make us sad, confused or completely shattered inside. One can stand up when beaten down, but words cut much deeper imprinting themselves in an individuals mind refusing to let go, slowly eating away at the light inside the said person.

It was an argument that started all of this mess. At first it seemed like the usual thing – some insults, some objects being burned or slashed through, a few wine glasses thrown about, some abuse. It always simmered down with some shouts and door slamming. Varia wouldn't be Varia if something didn't get broken every day. It was their way of expressing their feelings as a family. A dysfunctional form of affection was better then no affection at all. However no matter what there are always lines that shouldn't be crossed. Thin nearly non-existant margins that are invisible unless you squint. And Xanxus finally managed to cross all of them in one go.

No doors slammed this time, no shouts or broken furniture, only one Varia member missing. Other's hoped he went away for a mission, to kill some things to ease his anger. They hoped silently, throwing insults around. The bunch was Varia after all. Their boss's expression, however, made them cringe inside – something was not right. The dumb trash will be back, like he always does. Xanxus told himself. A small voice inside his head told him otherwise – he is gone and won't return like always, even if he does it won't be like always. Xanxus burned down the voice in milliseconds.

It wasn't the constant abuse or the never ending stream of insults. It wasn't even those hurtfull words spat at him as a form of entertainment. 'Useless', 'Trash', 'scum' - those were words that the Varia leader used as once would use a 'hello'. Not, it was the pure indifference in his voice that finally made the swordsman pack his things and leave. Like-a-bloody-Woman. the man growled to himself scaring bystanders away.

'Why the fuck you keep abusing me?' It wasn't the case that Squalo didn't know why his boss was abusive – it was in Xanxus nature to hurt people for no reason at all. What he didn't understand was _why_ it was _him_ who would always suffer his boss worst moods. Lussuria and Belphegor where far more useless then him and he was more then sure that Levi would take all of Xanxus shit with tears of happiness, so why the fuck him all the time? Damn it, he was getting more injuries from his boss then his enemies. Xanxus was their boss, shouldn't he care a bit more? Then again, if he did Squalo would never have fallowed him. "Because you deserved it, fucking peace of trash'. The silver haired man growled. He? He deserved it? He got his head split by a whiskey bottle because of a meat delivery that Bel was in charge off. In fact, as far as Squalo could re-call, he was the only one not screwing up all the fucking time. He told Xanxus, eyes blazing with anger. Red caught fire as fire ball almost engulf white hair. 'Shut the fuck up, scum!'

Doors of a shady bar slammed open, Squalo walked in terrifying the costumers. He headed straight to the bar dumping his things next to the bar stool. The bag clinked settling down on the ground. With a bark a drink was ordered and placed in front of the swordsman just seconds later. Squalo wasn't looking for a fight, just some good old fashioned intoxication, maybe some peaceful sleep and then… he wasn't sure what came next, or where he would go. He'll cross that bridge when he gets to it.

When Squalo made the decision to fallow Xanxus till death he truly means it till death. The shark never thought of an 'afterwards' as he was sure he will serve and die for Xanxus. Look at him now, feeling as if he was thrown to the dogs. A nagging voice told him that he walked out on his own, but it was brutally beaten down to be replaced by its twin musing that maybe Xanxus never wanted him there to begin with. Squalo snorted in to his drink. He was begging to think like those pathetic women in Lussuria's soaps. Not that he watched them. Not at all. Maybe once or twice when he was drunk. People do crazier things then that after few bottles of vodka. A third glass was knocked back as a small group of men approached him.

Squalo dodged a glass of wine directed at his head to only be hit by a bullet. His forearm throbbed in pain as he hissed at his boss. What-the-Fuck – ran through their minds. "Getting slow trash"? Xanxus mocked his second in command. "Don't tell me that I need to replace you". Replace him? With whom? The words slowly registered in Squalo's mind putting two and two together and making a five. He should have known better. This is Xanxus after all. Deep down the swordsman always had a ray of hope that he was special to hiss boss. The ease with which those were uttered nearly every other day cracked the already shaky foundations. Squalo refused to let go clinging to the cracks, trying to piece them together.

Body after body hit the floor as the giant blade swept through the men. Another man fell into a grotesque heap on the pavement painting it red with blood and gore. Pathetic scum. They were only a waste of his perfectly fine anger. One of the man managed to dodge the ruthless blade, his own hunting knife drawn out, charging for the shark's back. Silver glistened in the evening light landing in the blood.

'If you don't like it scum then leave' " Maybe I will!' Squalo roared back. The men growled at eachother. With one last glare Squalo stormed out. If he was nothing, then he'll go away, get out of his boss's ways. Screw loyalty and all that shit.

Loyalty, dedication – things that make people die for others, pride intact. It was not something sparked in an instant. The feeling, like friendship and love, evolves gradually, rooting itself deeply in one's soul, making it impossible to imagine not serving the object of one's loyalty.

When Squalo first met Xanxus, he didn't feel a sudden urge to throw his life into the man's hands. Far from it. What the swordsman felt was something akin to natural pull – like opposing magnets. The anger he could feel from the raven, mixed with distant pain and damage, drew Squalo in, reminding him of his own dysfunctional past. Mixing with one's own breed was only natural. Soon dramatic expressions of loyalty fallowed – the growing out of hair only one amongst many. Long hair was a natural enemy for a swordsman. Not that silver haired man couldn't fight with it. Rather, it was the fact that he had to keep it safe at all times. His hair was a symbol of his dedication and the swordsman would rather die then let something happen to it.

Squalo looked around himself horrified. He was used to all the blood and gore – he relished in the scent of the aftermath, but the scene before him made his heart stop. Fear? No, he wasn't afraid only shocked. A gloved hand reached behind to touch the long silver terraces only to grasp thin air. What did he expect? The white hair covered the bloody mess, softly moving with the wind. His hand reached higher until it finally grasped hair. An angry scream filled the air. His hair was cut off so it barely reached bellow his ears, the front bangs reaching just above his shoulders. "How the fuck I'm supposed to go back now?" the shark shouted to no one in particular kicking a body sending it crashing to a wall. Wait, go back? Didn't he plan to leave? Fuck. Loyalty was a bitch after all.

Squalo could never imagine a life without Varia nor could he remember the life before it. Whatever happened to him didn't matter, because at the time he was at home, with a dysfunctional family of psychopaths, but home nevertheless. The man was never on to fear or admit to his feelings publicly, at least not when it came to things that he could grasp – physical and non-physical. However a small voice always told him that he was lying to himself. Sometimes it managed to over-ride the shouts of the loud-mouth swordsman reminding him that he actually was full of fear – fear of being unworthy, fear of being alone, fear of being abandoned or destroyed. He was drawn to Xanxus because he could feel the devastation and decay bubbling in his boss. At tat time he was subconsciously convinced that they needed each other in order to survive, he (unaware to him) hoped that they will mend each others wings. The ease with which Xanxus would brush him off should have rung warning bells a long time ago. The swordsman was so caught up in his delusion that he soon could not function properly without reassurance that his boss will take care of his fears.

Squalo was missing. A week after his departure ill jokes still floated around. Two weeks later they slowly died down turning to slight cusses, escalading to massive proportions at the fourth week, A month and 12 days later ignorance took place fallowed by flat out worry. Into the second half of the second month Varia began to panic. They were used to not seeing the loud-mouth for longer time periods. They, however, would _hear_ from him. For nearly three months there was no news from/about the man. Last they heard of the shark was when he caused a ruckus in a pub and then complete silence. Varia networks couldn't find any information about the swordsman, even Vongola informants could not provide any insight on the man's whereabouts. It was as if Squalo simply disappeared from the face of the planet.

How fucking hard is it to locate a loud-mouth blood thirsty swordsman, with a sword for an hand and long white hair? Fucking useless scum. Xanxus scoffed to himself sending a glass to the wall. He was going to beat the crap out of that stupid shark when he comes back. 'Fucking scum' Xanxus growled taking a swig of his wine straight from the bottle.

A growl filled the room as a single ray of light managed to squeeze its away through the blinds. It slowly crept up until it hit its target. A blanket was tugged forward covering a face, denying the light its pleasure from torturing poor souls that tried to sleep.

The past three months came and went in a form of a passive, sluggish existence. During this time Squalo had done nothing, unless eating can be classified as a significant event. He did read sometimes, watched some TV, but most of the days were spent moving from one corner to another either brooding or starring into space. The shark simply didn't have the energy to do anything else. Even the offer to fight the martial-artist (with whom he was trying to pick a fight for a decade now) only earned a blank stare. His hair… how could he allow it to get chopped off? A gloved hand tugged at the bangs that stopped just above his chin. It felt as if his promise of devotion was chopped away with the locks and left behind to rot in the alley. An empty void was left behind bringing out his long forgotten fears.

After the incident his legs moved on their own. He didn't know why or how he ended up at this man's door. But he was welcomed in, his hair tended to and a 'shelter' provided. Squalo knew from a long history of dealing with this thief that 'shelter' equalled with complete disappearance from the world. He was content with that. He deserved nothing more after his 'betrayal'.

Xanxus was know for the lack of anger control amongst other things and Squalo soon became famous for being able to handle all of the Varia leader's wrath, yet again amongst other things. When asked, why he put up with it, the shark would spit out insults and wave his sword around making those in wonder shrink away. When his own mind asked the same question, he excused Xanxus behaviour as his personality; he ascribed his moodiness, bad temper, indifference or put-downs as direct result of things that happened in the past. Sometimes he would answer himself with a: 'he does that because he is Xanxus' completely ignoring the question. Even when it influenced his emotional-wellbeing and physical health he staid, grinding his teeth and dragging his essence with him, finding excuses for his boss's behaviour. That time three moths ago he left in order to find his sanity, but now he couldn't go back, not in the state he was in. even now when Squalo finally came to peace with having fears and somehow managed to put together some of his emotions, he staid in denial.

Denial. We all need to deny things that are too painful or too threatening for us to accept. Denial is a natural means of self-preservation, operating automatically.

Squalo was in denial that he loved his boss and that it hurt him to know that Xanxus will never fill out the requirements of a 'lover'. It was simply not in his personality to do so.

Xanxus was getting impatient. It was nearly four months now and that trash was still nowhere to be found. Both allies and enemies where on their feet in search of the missing swordsman. Avoiding almost the entire mafia should be impossible, shouldn't it? And yet all reports came blank. The Varia leader would rather have the scum dead than have him missing. At least then he would know what happened to his shark. The unknown getting to him, despite the masterful mask he wore.

Beautiful and alluring when they first met Squalo managed to worm his way into his boss's heart. The swordsman soon provided him with sexual bliss and blind dedication. Rather then recoiling in fear like most, the smaller man staid loyal, all the brutal things Xanxus did considered. He went even as far as growing his hair out for him. Being a skilled fighter himself, Xanxus knew that long hair could become a weakness. Squalo proved himself once more by overcoming it. He was strong and entertaining at the same time. In other words Xanxus needed Squalo to keep his sanity in check. Now that the swordsman was out of his life he felt an empty space that couldn't be filled by anyone else, despite all the rubbish he ever said. The shark occupied a special shelf in the cupboard that was Xanxus persona. The space was already growing cobwebs. "Fuck".

A phone rang filing the empty room with its shrilly sound. It was weird not having the loud-mouth screaming all over the place. "Boss, they found Squalo". It took Xanxus less then two minutes to storm out of his mansion – he'll personally drag that peace of trash back.

"You are still in denial?" asked a voice behind a closed door. "Fuck off" the shark mumbled. "It's not good for your health sharky" "I SAID PISS OFF" the roar was accompanied by a loud thud. The older man chuckled. If he was throwing things around, he must be feeling better. "Ima go out for a bit, mon amie(1). Don't talk to strangers' now" and he was gone before Squalo could make a bloody massacre out of him.

The shark jumped from his bed scrambling to his feet as he heard the front door crash. Grabbing for his sword he turned around only to meet a fist with his jaw. The man spurted out blood falling back. "What the fuck have you been doing all this time, trash!" his words were laced with rage and pure malice. Squalo shuddered slightly- he never seen his boss this mad before. "I asked you a fucking question you fucking peace of…' Xanxus stopped mid-insult his hand gripping thin air. Wasn't there supposed to be hair in that place? Shock glazed over red eyes for a second as Xanxus noticed his second in command's hair – cut short. He cut his hair off. He bloody cut it off. The raven's mind put two and two together fuelling the Varia leader's anger with hurt and betrayal. 'Wait, Xanxus…' Squalo attempted to explain just to be cut off by a sudden pain. A rough hand gripped at the now short silver hair. 'What was that scum? Speak the hell up! How dear you cut your fucking hair off!' Squalos own nature kicked in boiling his anger. 'It's my fucking hair, it's my body'. Lies. 'I don't fucking belong to you'. Lies again. "If I want, I'll cut it. It doesn't mean a fucking thing!" More lies. Xanxus let go of the white hair look at _HIS_ shark on the floor. He felt defeated. No, Xanxus was Xanxus and he always got what he wanted. Before Squalo could even comprehend he was slung over the taller man's shoulder. Dignity thrown aside he began trashing around screaming 'Voii's and throwing insults around only result in being knocked out. Long hair or not. Dramatically loyal or not. Xanxus didn't give a damn. He'll bloody put the man on a chain and a collar before he let go of him. The shark was his and he planned to keep it that way.

…

For Squalo it was acceptable for now (as he woke up to see his boss sleeping in a chair besides the bed) to deal with the pain of being treated in that foul fashion as long as he could wake up next to his boss.

To Xanxus the reasons of his shark's idiocy didn't matter ( his eyes opened to meet the point of his obsession awake and starring at him) simply because without him there was no such thing as a 'life'

They were Varia after all and common logic didn't apply to them.

~Omake~

After three days of mind-blowing makeup-sex and never leaving the bed Squalo finally managed to explain what happened to his hair. 5 minutes later Squalo bore a bruise the size of china for making Xanxus feel like an idiot. Needless to say few days later Squalo was limping around with a main of white hair, curtsy of Lussuria.

A/N: (1) mon amie - my friend in french. it's used for females though (mon ami is for males)

ugh man, that was just ugh… It's so dry Q_q I blame it all on chardonnay and modern talking lol.

Love it? Hate it? Should burn in the pits of hell?

Review~~~

P.S.

Don't you just love hair extensions n-n? I'm sure Squalo does now


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